Top 5: Gaming Adaptions That Should Be Made

Gaming has seen its fair share of adaptations in the past few years, from Metro 2033 to the sequel to Metro 2033, but nothing says intellectual bankruptcy like constant never ending adaptation. If it works for Hollywood, why can’t it work for video games? That’s the kind of attitude Heavy Rain director David Cage believed would make Heavy Rain into a film, but instead he managed to make it a passable game, because here in gaming our standards of unexplained plot points are much lower. So, with that in mind, what adaptations are we awaiting with feverish excitement? This is a list of the top 5 game adaptations that simply must occur at some point in the future please oh go on why not it’d be a laugh.

  1. Plato’s Republic

"Athen out of then - IGN"

What worked for Bioshock’s interpretation of Ayn Rand’s work of babbling incoherent philosophy can surely be applied to the winner of most insignificant supporting characters in any given play, Plato. Plato’s Republic would be a ground breaking work, taking place inside the idealised realm created by Plato in his pivotal work, players would play as the Guardians of the city, telling poets who want to tell morally ambiguous tales to go away, before mashing ‘X’ to pour Mhyr on them. There would also be a level where you get randomly selected to have sex with other players online only to have the children removed from you after the act. The game would feature a “spiritual balance” meter, whereby players must keep their reason, spirit and appetite in check, lest they be exiled from the city as a bad influence and tyrannical soul. Nolan North should be cast as the voice of Socrates.*

*I am beginning to think this joke is extremely high brow…

  1. Angry Birds: The Game

Taking the popular cuddly toy and iPod dock speaker brand, Angry Birds: The Game would take the adorable annoyed avians and put them in an actual game! After this brand came out of nowhere to release board games, cushions and a film on the horizon it’s about time the funny little feathers got their own video game! To be honest I’m not sure what it would be about, maybe you’d play as one of the beaky bastards as you go around the planet making inexplicably large amounts of products based on an atheistic quality. It’d be like Lemon Stand Tycoon. Hey, they should put it on iOS! That’d be great!

  1. The Office

What do you get when you take the crazy collective of co-workers and put them into a video game!? You have to drop off memos, hand out coffees and tell people they have to go home, all with the hilarious face of Steve Carell! The game would…

Oh. Oh they actually made this. Do you have any idea how hard satire is when standards are this low already? I’m parodying parody here!

  1. Two and a Half Men

Because if they’re going to make a game about the fucking Office I guess I can pitch anything…

  1. Love Plus: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Tapping into the brony craze that has swept the nation, why not make the game a large percentage of the audience really really want no matter how wrong it is? Allowing you to take the likes of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rarity (sweet, sweet, Rarity) out on dates to Sugar Cube Corner, Princess Celestia’s Palace and even a fantastic finale at the Grand Galloping Gala, LP:MLP:FiM would not only be an astronomical acronym but a huge success with an admittedly guilty-feeling audience. Obviously acts of bestiality aren’t allowed in licensed games, so the effects would be nothing more than incredibly close friendship, but the game should come with mod support day 1. Really, really good mod support. Almost too good…

  1. The News

It broadcasts every day, the important stuff becomes films, books, even music has been influenced by the events of international politics and lowly close to home conflicts. But video games are behind the curve, and it’s about time we made gaming current. Releasing a new level every week, The News would be a subscription based downloadable title that takes current affairs and makes them into all manner of incredible interactive information. Syrian rebels push on? THE REBELS ARE ZOMBIES, SHOOT THEM! Occupy Wall Street refuses to move? THE PROTESTERS ARE ZOMBIES, SHOOT THEM! Obama says he’ll reduce the deficit? THE DEFICIT IS ZOMBIES, SHOOT THEM! It’d be great fun. And mostly zombie based. I think Resident Evil might be ahead of the curve on me here…

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.