My name is Quentin Andrews and I work as a Q&A tester for EA Kredix. We’re officially known as the “smaller projects team” which a good 85% of the time means “we’re going to cancel this game”. You’d think that would make me find my work quite depressing, but sometimes it feels more like I’m a custodian of quality, making sure that these games never see the light of day. Still, if a game makes it this far then that means someone up top approved of it at some point and that thought alone is usually more depressing. I work with 2 other colleagues; Chris Plus and James Valent and all of us hate our job. I’m 25. I used to have ambitions. Here’s what we’ve been up to this week.
HOLY FUCK! HOLY FUCKING HELL! WHOEVER DESIGNED COLD SWEAT SHOULD BE SHOT, SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! It turns out Cold Sweat is a bit of a twisted little experiment, the kind that Nazi doctors do. It’s best described as “horror yoga”. What it does is make you go through some yoga poses, gets you nice and limber and tangled up and then it screams at you while showing flashing horrific images. It’s apparently some kind of shock therapy designed to cause your body to test its limits. It turns out I have very low limits, as I’ve destroyed my back after a single “2shock session”. As a result I cannot stand up anymore, and must hobble around like the Hunch back of Notre fucking Dame. I’m just going to send the devs of Cold Sweat a two word email. It shall be a strongly worded email.
James and Chris are nearly finished testing MOlf, and by nearly finished I mean they’re going to give up any minute from now. They’ve technically tested every club now; the balls are a work in process but the combinations testing is a lost cause. It seems unlikely anybody would find a game breaking combo, so we’re not too worried about that. James looks like he’s having difficulty discerning reality anymore, he’s started treating the Move controller as if it’s about 4 foot long now by default, and when Chris is testing near him he always take several steps back. It’s getting to the stage where he tries to lean on the controller and just falls over. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad.