Assassins Creed 3 Press Promotion Kills 5

Ubisoft’s latest attempt to build hype for its upcoming “Kill the British Simulator” Assassin’s Creed 3 has killed 5 people at a press event in Gamescon. The idea behind the promotion was that select members of European press were to be assassinated as part of a fun game of cat and mouse frivolity. Unfortunately Ubisoft misunderstood the business card sent to them by “Black Hand Assassins Limited” and as a result 5 members of the British publication EDGE were killed before the event could be stopped.

“Well fuck,” said Alex Hutchinson in an interview with the police. “Honestly, not what we wanted, we thought the company was one of those fun party assassins, not the stabby killy kind. We probably should have checked the website out.” The promotional error has lead to an investigation of more games promotions. THQ is now facing death threat charges for the gravestones sent out to promote Darksiders 2, Rockstar must respond to a court order for weapons smuggling and Nintendo have been accused of drug smuggling with their distribution of magic mushrooms being thoroughly misunderstood.

Mr Hutchinson said later in court “It might be a legal and moral travesty for Ubisoft, but on the plus side the media coverage has been phenomenal. CNN gave us a whole 15 minutes to justify ourselves! Also it’s worth noting that for once the violence of the developers is to blame as opposed to the content of the game, although that too is violent and was the inspiration for the promotion.” Ubisoft will be facing a 25 year jail sentence.

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.