Sony shuts down Liverpool

500,000 people used to Liver here. Now it’s a ghost town.

Until today, the city of Liverpool in North-West England was known for its accent, its ferries and its Beatles. Now, however, it receives another accolade – the first city in history to be shut down by a technology company, as Sony Computer Entertainment moved in to completely close down the Merseyside Metropolitan Area.

Speaking in a press conference in front of the now deserted Liver Buildings, CEO Jack Tretton said that “We’re constantly making changes to how our company is run, and in the current changing environment of gaming, what with the Internets and the three-dees, we’ve decided that the city of Liverpool and its 1.3 million inhabitants’ continued existence simply isn’t in line with our current business plan.” As a result of the company’s plan, Sony’s hired mercenaries spread out across the city at 8am this morning, rounding up and removing its inhabitants. We attempted to interview one of the displaced Scousers, but couldn’t understand anything they were trying to say.

The city of Liverpool was founded in 1986 and has been responsible for such cultural milestones as The Beatles, Liverpool FC and muggings. The city’s video-gaming output has also been noted, with popular series Wipeout said to be based on an attempted morning commute down the M62, coupled with the hovercars from Back to the Future II.

Sony have said that they have no plans for the replacement of the city, though it’s possible that a buyout might be in the works, with both the neighbouring city of Manchester and rival game developer EA having expressed interest in the now-vacant 43-square-mile plot, but it’s unlikely that either could ever live up to the former glory of the city which gave us the Fourth Doctor.

About Cieran Douglass

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