Ubisoft: No-one has bought a PC game since 1998


Causing something of a media storm last week, Ubisoft claimed that around 95% of all of their PC titles were pirated. Today they have gone on record to publicly apologise and state that the claim was erroneous as no-one has actually bought a PC game since 1998.

In a rare interview given from his high-security Parisian villa (“the walls keep reality at bay”), CEO Yves Guillemot stated that “no-one has bought anything on the PC since Half-Life. “I don’t know why people keep saying that they’re releasing games for it, everyone knows that PC gamers exclusively pirate their content, which they then sit and play in their saunas, if I am to correctly interpret what they’re doing with all that steam I keep hearing about.”

The statement comes after a slew of increasingly bizarre and contradictory comments from the company, such as claiming that, “our performance at E3 2011 was anything other than atrocious,” “Just Dance is the new Ocarina of Time” and that “uPlay DRM has been a resounding success”. Perhaps though the latter could provide an insight into some of the company’s logic when it comes to PC games.

Guillemot himself claims to have not used a PC since 2003, when he “checked his emails and played a bit of Solitaire” on what witnesses at the time widely report was actually a tree and a park bench. “No,” he continued from earlier, “PC gaming is a lost cause and has been for fourteen years. The future is in the future is in duck ponds, always online free to play duck ponds. And laser tag. Never underestimate the lasting power of laser tag.”

About Cieran Douglass

Cieran built this website in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Actually no that's not right at all, it was with Wordpress and middling Photoshop and design skills. He often plays video games and his favourites are Paper Mario TTYD, GTA San Andreas, Portal 2 and Minecraft. His display picture is not an accurate portrayal. He currently works for a much bigger website at the University of York, but if you'd like him to write something for you he can be contacted at cieran@pixelgrater.com.