Nintendo Portfolio in Crisis after Nintendoland Declares Independence

Nintendolandians are not very good at punctuation

With just two months to go until the launch of the Wii U, Nintendo have been pinning their hopes on flagship mini-game compilation title Nintendoland to sell the console and demonstrate its abilities, but no longer can they do this. Detracting from the company’s Wii U press conferences yesterday, the fledgeling nation declared independence from its corporate overlords this morning in a televised address in the nation’s capital city, Fake Hyrule Castle Town.

The country’s appointed leader, Fake Princess Zelda stated to her nation that “the time has come for us to throw off the shackles of corporate oppression. For too long we have laboured under a regime which clearly does not care about us, appropriating us with mini-games where other titles get lavish development budgets and worlds. This simply will not stand, and we the Fake People of Nintendoland have declared unilateral independence from Nintendo.”

Reaction around the gaming world has been mostly along the lines of “meh”, with Sony claiming “what?”, Microsoft stating “hah” and Valve responding with a non-committal “oh.” President of Nintendo Satoru Iwata, however, was less than pleased with the country’s newfound freedom, stating “this is an illegal move which stands in contravention to everything the gaming world stands for. Game worlds can’t just declare independence, we established that in the 1990s after the Goombas attempted a coup in Super Mario Land only to be quashed by the superior power of shoes. As in the real world, the disestablishment of this nation in a lawless part of the world will doubtless lead to unchecked piracy and web trafficking.”

Fake Zelda however seemed rather unfazed by Iwata’s threats. “If he wants to come after us here in our little world of pastiches, let him. God, to be honest we’d just be happy if he paid some attention to us once in a while.”

President of Nintendo’s American division, and as a result the holder of all of its guns, Reggie Fils-Aime seemed more baffled than anything else by the decision. “How can they have free will? They aren’t even conscious beings, they’re code on a media disc. This doesn’t even make sense, they don’t have a physical presence!” His comments about free will, however, were immediately pounced upon by thousands of jobless philosophy students, who accused him of not having any free will himself and that maybe we’re ALL in the Matrix Nintendoland, man.

About Cieran Douglass

Cieran built this website in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Actually no that's not right at all, it was with Wordpress and middling Photoshop and design skills. He often plays video games and his favourites are Paper Mario TTYD, GTA San Andreas, Portal 2 and Minecraft. His display picture is not an accurate portrayal. He currently works for a much bigger website at the University of York, but if you'd like him to write something for you he can be contacted at