PREDICTIONS: 2013 in Video Gaming

And now a special feature from the magical mystery future of December 2012, in order to beat all those other scummy news sites to the punch with their “sources” and “predictions” and “accuracy”.

Well what a year 2012 was eh, filled with earth shattering events such as the shattering of the earth by a group of Mayan Gods, who decided to take Luxemburg into space and form a new society using the residents of the fascinating city state country thing. But that wasn’t the only thing that happened, games also happened, and my oh my it was a great year for them. Let’s think affectionately about the games we all played. Remember the shooting one? It was great wasn’t it? Not as good as the other shooting one though, that truly was the best. But enough of the past, what about the future of gaming. Here are my top 5 picks for things I reckon might happen in 2013 based on 2012 which was the year we just had.

  1. Earthworm Jim CROSSOVER with Silent Hill

Earthworm Jim’s staggeringly successful comeback this year left everyone mightily impressed, including Quite hard to Impress Monthly who said of the title “Despite our staunch position on making being impressed difficult, we were persuaded into a position whereby we were impressed. Well Done Jim!” However, this year the series will take a darker turn as Interplay’s wacky worm finds himself in the town of Silent Hill, fending off hideous monsters and apparitions of his own subconscious with a cheeky wink and CRAAAZY attitude. The game will also feature a multiplayer mode.

  1. Metal Gear Solid 5 announced for iPhone

Kojima’s controversial decision to take only 5 of his co-workers with him to his new independent studio “FoxCry” after Metal Gear Rising single-handedly bankrupted Konami and 1/8 of the Japanese population will lead to cutbacks, but everyone will be surprised when MGS5 is announced as a freemium RPG not too unlike Farmville. Players will express outrage and disgust, but once they discover there is a payment option to skip the cutscenes most of the anger will subside. The game will also feature a multiplayer mode.

  1. The Xbox 720 will be announced, then denied, then announced, then denied.

On the stage at E3 2013 expect to see Bill Gates or Steve Baldwin or whoever is in charge of Microsoft these days to come onto the stage and show off the latest in their ongoing line of warranty claim devices. The new Xbox will feature over 100 of the megabytes and nearly 12 of the super bytes. After being told neither of these things makes a lot of sense Bill or Steve or whoever is in charge of Microsoft will go very pale, begin sweating and start denying that the console ever existed. After journalists get hands-on time with the device and report that it looks like the true future of gaming, Microsoft will re-announce it, but this time include the spec. After one internet commenter says he thinks the new console is “gay”, Microsoft will de-announce it again.

  1. Sony accidentally breaks every PS3 ever, admits it has a problem

Sony releases more firmware for the PS3, only this time they accidentally release the same patch over a million times to everybody’s console. Unable to stop the PS3 downloading the same piece of firmware over and over Sony breaks down and cries at a press conference, before revealing the “error” was entirely intentional. In a statement it will release it will say “I’m sorry, I admit it, I’m addicted. I can’t stop the firmware updates because I just can’t bear the thought of piracy. The status bar keeps me safe, keeps you safe, the firmware is good! It is! Now your PS3 will never be hackable! Isn’t that super?! After all, it is OUR PS3 you’re using. YOU bought it from US but it is still OURS! GET OFF OUR PS3! I’LL CUT YOU!” Hackers will find a work around that disables the issue within 8 hours.

  1. Nintendo cuts its losses and heads for the state border.

Not believing its luck after the Wii U sells over 1 trillion units in its first year, Nintendo will announce that it has no intention of supporting the platform. After the US government declares this a “fraud” it sends out its best in blue to capture the company, but it’ll be a crazy chase to the edge of the USA as Reggie Fils-Aime teams up with Vin Diesel and Jack Black in this year’s family summer blockbuster Wii Gotta Get Outta Here! The chase will be watched by trillions as the troublesome trio get up to all sorts of hijinks on the open road, including a close encounter of the 3D kind! Rated U for “It’s not just about Wii, but about U too.”

Those are my predictions, I have to go now, Luxembourg is calling.

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.