Recession Hits Review Bribe Budget

The good old days are behind us… (Image Stolen from

The economy has been harsh these past few years on the video game industry, but the full effect of the cutbacks have so far been averted. Now, with development teams stripped down to their lowest numbers since 1999 and risky unprofitable ventures being cancelled every day the development of games has hit a cost saving measure nobody ever thought would have to arise; review bribes have had to be cancelled.

“Well isn’t that just fucking dandy?” said Destructoid’s infamous reviews editor Jim Sterling in an exclusive interview he didn’t realise we were doing with our hidden web cameras. “It turns out these bastards have been taking bribes and I wasn’t cut in! Instead I just get to be all self righteous and sarcastic all the time, what kind of exchange is that? Money buys you Alien toys, sarcasm gets you made fun of in amateur satire websites.”

The announcement has hit hard, with reviewers slamming the recently released Medal of Honor: Warfighter with scores as low as 5 (the equivalent of no stars in the video game media). The revoking of review bribes has also caused several outlets to almost entirely collapse, with Gamespot now seeking review bribes for almost any kind of substance.

“We’ll review basically anything well if you pay us,” explained Gamespot PR. “You name it, if you thought Snacktaku was banal and unnecessary you wait until we announce our elements section launching next week. Kazakhstan has offered us $100 to review their potassium, we genuinely can’t turn that down right now.”

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.