Global shock as eleven-year-old-‘s app does not break sales records

Yes we’re going for another App Store article in the space of a week. Because we’re lazy.

When he picked up a copy of iOS Programming for Dummies a year ago, James Watkins had ideas in his head of multi-million-dollar sales and press coverage from around the world. After all, how could he not? It has been a universal fact up to this point that a young child who reskins Sokoban is entitled to praise from Engadget and a lucrative deal with the App Store.

“This is incredibly frustrating ” said Watkins’ father, referring to the fact that only five people have so much as looked at the game’s page on the App Store. “I paid for over £12,000 of Objective C lessons for James, and it’s all been for nothing! I even extensively went over and rewrote most of his code to ensure that it adhered to proper standards, but I don’t even have a single sale to show for it!

James himself seems to care surprisingly little about the outcome of his efforts. “Maybe people just aren’t that into Sokoban anymore” he wondered aloud, “it seems that if I really wanted to make daddy happy and sell stuff, I should have done something which helped the disabled or the poor or something. But I don’t know how to code that, I only know how to reskin Sokoban.”

As the leaves fall forlornly over the familie’s press conference set-up in the garden, the chairs set never to be occupied by tech journalists from the Daily Mail and the BBC reporting on the overnight success of one boy who had a dream, our thoughts turn once again to boy’s parents.

“I think that we can do better than this” said the boy’s father. “I’ve already booked him in for 100 more hours of coding lessons. Maybe this time we’ll copy Angry Birds instead.”

About Cieran Douglass

Cieran built this website in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Actually no that's not right at all, it was with Wordpress and middling Photoshop and design skills. He often plays video games and his favourites are Paper Mario TTYD, GTA San Andreas, Portal 2 and Minecraft. His display picture is not an accurate portrayal. He currently works for a much bigger website at the University of York, but if you'd like him to write something for you he can be contacted at