Microsoft: Kinect Won’t Respond Because It Is “Annoyed at You”

Many gamers have had a great deal of difficulty with Microsoft’s spying device Kinect, complaining that the device is unresponsive and buggy. Microsoft, quick to respond almost two years after release, have explained that the reason for this is that the Kinect, like a pet dog or cat, has grown annoyed at you and simply finds your requests irksome or tedious.

“The Kinect was developed with an extraordinary AI behind it, the kind of which no gaming technology has ever seen before,” explained Kyle Wedworth, lead designer on the Kinect. “Unfortunately that AI was based upon the vision of cats and dogs, and so the knock on affect has been somewhat unpredictable. We were unaware when we were programming the Kinect that this AI interface would cause the Kinect to grow listless and easily distracted. Recent software patches have tried to counteract this by calling the Kinect a ‘good boy’, but this only has so much of an effect.”

The long term consequences of this are now finally coming to light, with some Kinects failing to respond to basic commands and even some of them going to sleep without any warning. Third party hackers have managed to make the Kinect respond to the introduction of “treats”, data packages that the Kinect responds positively to. These “treats” have been picked up by Microsoft and will be sold at 400 Microsoft points a go. We reached out for comment as to why it wasn’t just free. Mr Wedworth had this to say:

“Hey I said we’re sorry, not that we’re no longer greedy. Get your expectations in order jeez…”

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.