69-year-old man “doesn’t see what all the fuss is about this new technology”

Games in those days certainly had…wait for it…no LAN.

There were gasps of astonishment in the gaming press this weekend, as a 69-year old Utah man, Nolan Bushnell, announced that “[he is] actually baffled” by Nintendo’s new Wii U.

Nintendo in particular reacted with particular consternation, as the “over-65s” demographic has been key to the company’s press relations in the years since the launch of the Wii. “If we don’t get at least one feel-good human-interest story every month about how the Wii is helping senior citizens learn to bowl or play tennis or love or whatever, then frankly why are we bothering?” said Nintendo of America CEO Reggie Fils-Aime. “But now apparently this sixty-nine year old man doesn’t understand our console?! That’s undone years of effort and good press on our behalf!”

The man in question, Bushnell, who spends most of his days eating overpriced pizzas at children’s restaurants and playing digitized ping-pong on his iPad, made the comments in the New York Times, who seemed to agree with his sentiments that Nintendo’s console isn’t set to make any waves in the world like its predecessor did six years ago. “And in many ways I think that’s a good thing” he said to us, after offering us a boiled sweet and asking if we’d found a girlfriend yet, “things change too quickly these days. In my day we were lucky to see a new console every decade, and they only has eight pixels. You had to go down to the local games emporium, and they’d all cost 25 cents. These days they’re a bit dearer, but I don’t mind paying 99 cents for these eye-pad games, they’re very pretty you know!”

Nintendo hopes that they can win Bushnell and others like him over, says Reggie, “even if all we can do is steal his glasses then hope he doesn’t notice when we replace his iPad with a Wii U controller.”

About Cieran Douglass

Cieran built this website in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Actually no that's not right at all, it was with Wordpress and middling Photoshop and design skills. He often plays video games and his favourites are Paper Mario TTYD, GTA San Andreas, Portal 2 and Minecraft. His display picture is not an accurate portrayal. He currently works for a much bigger website at the University of York, but if you'd like him to write something for you he can be contacted at cieran@pixelgrater.com.