Rockstar Announces Red Dead Redemption iOS “just to see if it can”

The developers at Rockstar responsible for the ports of Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City today announced it will be attempting to port Rockstar’s Western thriller Red Dead Redemption to iOS. The idea came after sales for both GTA3 and Vice City made the company so much money for what are both fundamentally broken ports.

“I think people just like the idea of having it on a mobile,” explained Gerald Terrance-Arnold, head of developing functional software at Rockstar. “The games are borderline unplayable. Touch screen controls have always been a real bitch for 3d games, but people buy it anyway. With that in mind we’re porting over Red Dead Redemption with all of the features of the console version, making it almost entirely impossible to play. The plan is to have the game run up until Mexico, because realistically nobody will ever get that far. We’ve even increased the difficulty arbitrarily in areas just to see if people will tolerate this shit. I’ve $5 saying nobody ever figures out how to dismount the horse.”

The port has sparked debate among the mobile gaming community, with many people taking to message boards exclaiming how they won’t buy it. Many of these detractors are known to be the biggest purchasers of Rockstar’s mobile games. The correlation shows that the more someone says they won’t do it the more likely it is they will. This is why you should get worried whenever countries say they have no intention of going to war…

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.