While the popular explanation for Nintendo’s online services being turned off at night in Europe is that it is due to German laws, this is in fact only half of the truth – the Bundeswehr have in fact enforced a curfew on all digital activity in and around Nintendoland between 10pm and 4am every evening in order to prevent potential subversives from Nintendoland either escaping into, and potentially attacking, the Warawara Plaza, or even sourcing dangerous goods from the black-eShop.
Nintendo are said to not be particularly pleased with the occupation, the decision being made by the UN without consulting them. Because they’re a company. Not a state. Duh. Germany however was defensive in its justification of the occupation. “Nintendoland poses a real, genuine threat to our nation” said a spokesman for the army, “not by destabilisation – god no, we couldn’t care less about that. If Nintendoland is allowed to secede from the greater Nintendo portfolio then we might start seeing cartoon violence in Nintendo games! And cartoon violence leads to realistic violence, which we all know leads to real-life violence” the army general continued.
Meanwhile satirists around the world are struggling to come up with jokes about a crisis which involves German occupation of a sovereign state. “Really I’m drawing a complete blank on this one,” said a visually perturbed Lewis Dunn when I asked him if he had any ideas.