Valve Announces Steam Box


The Valve corporation have today announced their plans to release a steam box in 2013. The box, a tightly compressed set of pistons that are Valve’s will be able to power what a new device they are calling “the locomotive”. This new-fangled contraprationation shall be able to carry upwards of 30 men (or 42 ladies of dainty disposition) toward the coast and then return them within a day. The device, hailed by Sir Battering Fortesque as “Really rather exquisitely useful and indeed marvellous” shall charge 4 guineas a circuit, and can even be made specifically for gentlemen of a wealthy estate upon request of the Valve cooperation.

“Not only am I delighted, but I feel honoured to be able to claim ownership of the invention that will define the decade,” proclaimed owner of the valve cooperation and notorious industrial explorer Sir Gabenthen Newelus the 3rd, 5th duke of Dustington Bowlforth. “Tis’ indeed a sumptuous occasion, and to celebrate I have frequented the local hat emporium and made purchase for myself a set of new headware. They are both eloquent and fashionable, and I have no doubt Lady Newelus will be quite swooned by their presence. Now excuse me, I have orphans to hire,”

Mr Newelus, despite his obviously philanthropic and generally marvellous nature hath invoked the wrath of one Mr Riccotellington from the continent, and a telegram hath been sent upon us to express his views. It reads:

Mr Newelus undermines the economy (Stop) He does not understand the anarchy he sews (Stop) I have a good mind to give him a good thumping (Stop) If he does not desists then I will force him to (Stop) Yours Sincerely, Lord Riccotellington of the 6th estate, Owner of the Electables Arses’ cooperation.

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.