Mmmm, smells like freedom
Yesterday, Ubisoft announced that in the DLC for upcoming Assassin’s Creed III, the villain will be the founder of life, liberty and apple pie himself, George Washington. As the predictable media backlash by poorly informed commenters raged around them, Ubisoft took some time out of their busy schedule of incinerating American flags and shooting bald eagles* to explain their rationale behind the decision.
“Yeah, we’re willing to come clean about this,” said CEO Yves Guillemot from his office full of cheese and posters of monkeys surrendering, “we did it as a dare. Bobby [Kotick] called me up the other day and asked me if I’d be interested in a little wager over who could best incense the American public with a needless bit of plot exposition. He reckons Activision have the heads-up and, to be fair, the Modern Warfare series is famous for its pointlessly emotive scenes, but we realised that if we wanted to REALLY annoy the Americans, we had to go after their heroes. But just wait till you see what he’s got planned for Modern Warfare IV next year…this is a very close race!”
The announcement of the downloadable content, which will feature a fictionalised King George Washington in a fictionalised America where a fictional organisation dominates over a fictional populace, was greeted with wide scale weeping across the country and introspective cries of “WHY DO THEY HATE OUR FREEDOM?” echoing around American cities and churches. Even the Presidential Debate last night was dominated by the issue, with Obama stating that if re-elected he will promise to “America the America we all America” and Romney claiming that “The liberty of all Americans is the freedom our children need to America for”. Results were inconclusive.
*Press release cribbed from foxnews.com
America.
Afterwards, Valve responded by releasing a title update to Team Fortress 2 that added “Nazi bands” to each class, an update to Dota 2 that released a sword named the “Hitler Did Nothing Wrong”, as well as the announcement that when Half Life 3 is eventually released (sometime between 2015 and the heat death of the universe), it won’t be available in America nor any American space colonies that may have sprung up by the time the game is released to the public. Gabe Newell also stated the game would also be released on Origin “for the lolz”.
foxnews…