*hssssssss* ARRRRGH!
Hot on the heels of Valve’s latest announcement that their popular digital distribution platform Steam will be distributing every program known on the Internet forever, the corporation has also announced that it’s going to start distributing physical goods, starting with actual, literal steam.
Because he replies to everyone who emails him, we were able to get Gabe Newell to comment on the story for us. “We really started thinking about doing this after we saw how EA were managing to distribute bees through Origin,” he stated. “We thought that since we’ve managed to pretty much monopolise the virtual market for online games, and then general software and, well, everything really, it would be time to start selling physical goods delivered digitally. And naturally the easiest thing to distribute using Steam is steam.”
We pressured Newell for why anyone would actually want steam, even at a current sale price of 75% off. “I think there’s a huge untapped market out there for water vapor which we feel that we can really fill as a company. What situation isn’t improved by superheated water particles anyway? You could use it to create a sauna from your computer, or, hook up a whole bunch of them and use the steam to drive turbines in a power plant. The possibilities are endless!”
Controversially, the company’s new EULA, brought into effect last week, will mean that there is little recourse for those who have suffered third-degree burns from the outpouring of hot gas, though Valve have pledged that anyone who complains enough will get a voucher for 50% offHalf Life 2.
While initially the feature wasn’t widely used, as very few gamers have access to either a wood-panelled room or a generator turbine, the company found that it was on to a real money spinner when it announced that from next week you’ll be able to purchase steam to send to your enemies. And until the technology exists to punch people in the face over the internet, it’s the closest we’ll get.
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