The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) were celebrating last night as they announced that their latest plans to stop downloading content without paying for it were ex
pected to be a huge success.
“First we tried scaring them with VHS and DVD warnings,” said RIAA Chair Chris Dodd, “then we sicced Lars Ulrich on them. Then we decided to sue them for millions of dollars they didn’t have. Bizarrely, it turns out that people who don’t have millions of dollars are unable to pay million-dollar fines for sharing Aerosmith records. But this time, we reckon we’re on to a winner – we don’t think anything will be pirating anything at all by the end of 2013.”
The new plan draws on projects seen in France and the United Kingdom, where infringers are given “three strikes”, before they’re “out”. The American system, however, has doubled this to six, and instead of strikes, infringers will simply receive “whiny notes” asking them not to do it any more. “We’ve even specified at the top of all the letters – “Read this text in as whiny a voice as you can imagine. If you’ve received one of these before, do it whinier” said Dodd.
After they’ve received six letters, customers have been warned that they “don’t even want to know what comes next. It’s like, so bad. You don’t want to know. You should just stop right now. We mean it. Please, just…do yourself a favour. What happens…well, it’s crazy is what it is! We totally have a plan for what it is and aren’t just bluffing, honest!”