Phantom Pain interview reveals that most industry figures are actually computer-generated

While many would argue that the resignation of EA CEO John Riccitiello and the interview with Phantom Pain developer Joakim Mogreb are unrelated, shocking news discovered today by our team of intrepid news-scrapers has determined that the two are linked more causally than one would first think, with the revelation that, actually, most industry figures and CEOs are entirely fictional, CG creations.

“I don’t know why everyone’s so surprised” said a distinctly anti-aliased Michael Pachter. “For starters, how has no-one commented that neither Miyamoto nor Iwata have aged at all in the last fifteen years – it’s not that Nintendo weren’t trying to go for realism, they’re just running off the Wii, their relatively smooth faces the result of poor polygon mapping. I probably shouldn’t mention this, but it’s an open secret in the industry that Miyamoto is just a group of Chinese kids Nintendo picked up off the streets of Guangzhou.”

It is thought that Riccitiello’s demise in particular is directly related to the Origin hack, which has seen malicious users access the company’s assets used to generate the CEO. “We were worried that they might go ahead and use him to make false proclamations or give out free games or something” said an anonymous EA insider, “the simplest thing was just to retire the character and replace him with a new one. The team of suits behind him won’t change, so don’t expect any major policy shifts.”

One developer who seemed real enough, at least superficially, is Richard Garriott, who is now rather annoyed at being misquoted in a recent interview.

“I didn’t claim that all developers were bad,” he protested, “if they’d have let me finished I’d have said they were badly rendered! Seriously, is anyone at all actually convinced by Bobby Kotick?”

About Cieran Douglass

Cieran built this website in a cave with a bunch of scraps. Actually no that's not right at all, it was with Wordpress and middling Photoshop and design skills. He often plays video games and his favourites are Paper Mario TTYD, GTA San Andreas, Portal 2 and Minecraft. His display picture is not an accurate portrayal. He currently works for a much bigger website at the University of York, but if you'd like him to write something for you he can be contacted at