EA Announces plan to stop second hand games sales by “finding you”

EA have announced a new, controversial plan to combat second hand games by placing a tracking device on every disc. The device will become active once removed from the sealed disc box and will geo tag its current location as “home”. Should the disc be moved from “home” without express permission from EA to move the disc to another location it will automatically send out a distress signal, summoning EA’s “ALPS” initiative to the new location (anti-losing profits squad). The squad, equipped with a combination of high velocity water pistols and chalkboards will then, completely legally, bully the new owner until they surrender the disc.  The first game to launch with this exciting new technology will be Mass Effect 4. Wait, hang on, did we just announce Mass Effect 4? Oh, OK, there’s also a Mass Effect 4. Looks sweet.

Activision unveils “Peripheral Game”

In a press conference called today in San Francisco, Activision has announced “Peripheral Game” an exciting new toy game thing that looks like it was made yesterday. Utilizing the innovative new “plastic mould accessory” the game will feature levels of gameplay and some graphics. When asked what inspired them, the creator of the “plastic mould accessory” responded with “inspiration is not required. We do not require inspiration. The graphs said this was what we should do and we obeyed the graphs. All is going according to the plan”. The creator then gestured towards a projector that played footage of the game. Early impressions show a cartoonish protagonist on a skateboard wielding a gun mowing down enemies to an eclectic mix of rock and RnB classics. Claiming to have hit every demographic, the creator said “This has fulfilled every possible target market. It shall be a success. I guarantee it shall be. It all adds up. The online multiplayer shall also be popular. The numbers said it would be. They do not lie. Please take photos now”.

SEGA to cut costs by becoming freelance

Publisher SEGA has faced difficult decision over the past few days after coming to terms with it’s frankly terrible financial state. In the hopes to combat it SEGA has made it official they’re becoming a “freelance” developer. This controversial new direction for the company means that you simply have to pay SEGA a flat sum and they will “Sonic Team” your game, making it both incredibly awful and inexplicably best selling. The “Sonic Teaming” process has been described simply as “putting sonic the hedgehog in a game” and SEGA will charge $1 million for the task. “Putting Sonic in games always manages to fuck them up somehow, but he always sells like hotcakes” one SEGA spokesperson said to our reporters which we definitely have. “He just somehow manages to make a game worse. The only exception was Super Smash Brothers Brawl, but we think that’s because Nintendo came over, took the character models and told us not to worry.” SEGA will file for bankruptcy in the coming year… probably.