Everyone loves the New Year. It’s a chance to let bygones be bygones, turn over a new leaf and tell the Mayans to go fuck themselves. 2013 is the year we shouldn’t have, the days that we didn’t count on. Well, at least these five games didn’t count on them, and now nobody knows that they even exist! Well let us right a wrong. These games might turn out to be great, but in terms of PR they also decided that exclusivity to just the developers was enough. This is the top 5 least anticipated games of 2013.

5. Medieval Mayor

Normally I’d fill these articles with images to give you an idea of what they look like, but with Medieval Mayor that would involve me drawing something for you. Because, despite my best efforts to source an image of the game, the best I could get was this:

So yeah. I can tell you it’s a 2d strategy game based around building a medieval village. Also it’s definitely not Age of Empires. Or Populous. But it is Medieval Mayor, coming this year to a PC! And when I use the singular of PC I mean the singular of PC. Because this game is being published by Tilted Mill, who outside of a break they got with SimCity Societies have made a series of games nobody has ever heard of. Have you played Nile Online? Tilted Mill sure hope you have.

4. Rambo: The Video Game

Rambo is an iconic figure from 80s action films who helped define the military tactic of “stand-out-in-the-open-and-don’t-ever-let-go-of-the-trigger” long before The Heavy ever had a chance to. Rambo is almost destined for greatness as a video game character, with a fantastic setting, a protagonist who chews up rainforest like McDonalds and a great reason to go mental with set pieces. So it’s great to see it in the capable hands of the developers of:

Liquadator 2, for those of you who don’t know (ie all of you) is an FPS that seems to be based on Quake and Doom. I can’t really get much more info on it other than that, mostly because the only review I could find of it was on GameSpot’s user review page, and it simply reads:

I think we’ve got all we need to know out of that. The developers remain optimistic, however, promising that players will be able to “get under the skin of Rambo and wield his iconic weapon-set in battle.”

Sounds sexy. Unlike our medieval predecessor however, we do have a few screenshots. Here’s one for you:

That… sure looks like a game. Maybe this trailer will clear up what’s going on here:

That’s a trailer for a Rambo film. Because none of that was a game. Oh dear Reef Entertainment… oh dear…

3. Raven’s Cry

Like we said at the start, not every game on this list is going to be bad, just unheard of. Raven’s Cry fills that quota perfectly, an under the radar title that has swum so amazingly low it’s actually a bit disheartening. A pirate adventure that focuses on the darker side of the lives of ship owning murderers, Raven’s Cry looks to be sort of kinda decent. It won some E3 awards from a German website anyway, so maybe there’s something to it. Let’s have a look at them there trail‘ar!

Gyar, Piratey fun to be seen over this here link!

OK it’s not quite GTAV, but it’s almost Saints Row 2. Considering this is the second game ever made by Octane Games it looks like one of those 7 or 8 out of 10 hidden gems that everybody sort of forgot about after 2009. Except it’s coming out this year.

Now I’m not saying inexperience is an excuse, but, well, I think I’d play it. And considering the game has technically had media since last April I’m somewhat saddened to see it so low on everyone’s radar. Ah well, when it comes out, maybe then I’ll be able to say I told you so. Or you know, nobody will notice.

2. The Walking Dead: Survival Instincts

Activision have a real knack don’t they? They build up franchises to a level that makes them critical and commercial darlings (Call of Duty, Guitar Hero, Tony Hawks) and then proceeds to remove all the talent from the studios, overwork them and watch the whole thing collapse in on itself. Well the good news is that this time they didn’t have to bother making the successful version of the game, instead they’ve decided to let Telltale do that for them and immediately jump to the horrific cash grab edition.

The Walking Dead: Survival Instincts could well be the most evil thing Activision will ever do, and they didn’t even mean to do it. Many people after the surprise victory of The Walking Dead at the Spike VGA’s will go out in search of the title on store shelves. And what will they find? This:

Brrr. A bland, unimaginative, borderline last-generation standard FPS. How do we know it’s awful? Well this (admitably not official) trailer of game footage will show you:

Oh dear god is this really happening?

Horrific, in all the wrong ways.  But we all know the controversy. “That’s not the official trailer!” I hear you cry. “This is leaked footage, it’s not ready for public consumption!” Well the game is due out in March, so you’d think some gameplay would exist. Ah! Look! A full trailer! Let’s watch that:

This isn’t any better guys…

This game is going to be shit.

1. The Croods

Let’s do this. Let’s throw everything we can together and guarantee a shit game. OK first, it’s a movie tie in, check. Even better, it’s for a film nobody wants to see, so that’s double check. Thirdly, it’s a children’s animated film, so we’re all engines blasting on making sure the creative materials are as bland and tedious as possible.

OK that’s IP wrapped up, now let’s choose a genre. Platformer? Oh no, they’re so rare these days the platformer fans will actually be grateful. We need to find a genre so overdone, so devoid of original content that when anybody even glances at the cove they’ll simply groan with disgust. Of course! It was staring at us in the face! A party game. It’ll rock nobody’s world.

But now we have to triple lock this fucker, how can we absolutely make sure not an iota of quality ends up in this rancid pile of shit we’re cooking up. We need a developer with a track record so simultaneously bland and bad that the game will practically sigh as you put it in your console. Who could be capable of such awful mediocrity? How about Torus interactive? You’ve never heard of them? Exactly.

These un-notorious bastards made a Shrek kart racer, a Scooby doo Lego game rip off (that uses a fucking laughter track) and of course, has made loads and loads and LOADS of completely forgettable movie tie ins. They’re just the right men to do the wrong job.

Oh, and how much information is there on the game? Well it promises “ a thrilling experience for players of all ages”.

You fucking liars.