SALT LAKE CITY- UTAH Tragedy struck a typical American army base yesterday when 45-year-old Kevin Francis Bacon of Salt Lake City died attempting a controversial new maneuver in modern warfare- the “rocket jump”.
“Rocket jumping” is a technique which originated in the world of video games. Players of the game “Quake” would take advantage of a “glitch” whereby aiming a rocket launcher at their feet and jumping just as they pulled the trigger would not instantly blow them up, but rather propel them to greater heights. Wanting to test the idea in reality, Mr Bacon, a Private with the 7,564th regiment of U.S. Marines, procured a rocket-propelled-grenade launcher from the armory of the base, claiming it was to be used for “scientific research” when asked by the Duty Officer on hand.
Mr Bacon proceeded to climb to the top of the highest point of the obstacle course at the base and according to eyewitnesses shouted “CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!” before aiming the ballistic device at his own feet, jumping into the air and blowing himself apart instantly upon firing the rocket.
Eyewitness reports from the base are conflicted as to whether this was a foolhardy stunt, an imbecilic act of buffoonery or an accident during the development of a potentially revolutionary new technique. “Well, I reckon it would’ve worked if he’d jumped higher” said Private First Class Henry Marks, “as a matter of fact if he’d jumped about another 10 or so feet in the air before firing, he’d probably have been OK.” Sergeant Daniel Christophers added “Well, if he’d fired it sooner, he’d have been fine, but he was already on the way down, so gravity just cancelled out the momentum from the explosion. That’s why his head landed way over there, next to his pelvis.”
When asked if this was indicative of modern army standards falling as more and more people are recruited to fight more and more wars, Admiral A.K. Barr responded “No, frankly if anything this is a clear signal that we have exactly the right kind of recruitment policy in place, after all we’re fighting more and more using drone technology, and for us to be able to use these devices properly, we need people who are damn good with a controller in their hands, that’s why we picked up Private Bacon, he was just wasting his life away in his parents’ basement playing Quake 3, even though it was more than a decade old and gave him the opportunity to do something more with his life: By killing people from a great distance away.”
In other news, an NRA spokesman was rushed to hospital after having a heart attack upon hearing that video games had finally led directly to an actual death involving firearms.
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