Long-maligned by PC gamers everywhere, EA’s Origin digital distribution platform will soon be receiving an interface overhaul, the company announced today. One of the main features of the update will be its ability to wirelessly transmit “thousands of angry, Africanised bees” into users’ homes.
“We feel that this is the best way to go about combating piracy” stated CEO John Riccitiello. “After all, a user isn’t going to be starting up BitTorrent when they are instead trying to fend off a large swarm of angry bees, or indeed in the aftermath when the stings will leave the would-be pirate either incapacitated or hospitalised”. When questioned on several points, such as where the company was getting the bees, how they were transmitting the bees, and the rather important point of how to distinguish between pirates and non-pirates, Riccitiello had only this to say:
“I think really the situation is that for thirty years, gamers have been enjoying a bee-free existance, and with the exception of a brief period in 2004, haven’t really given bees in gaming all that much thought. We feel that this has created something of a culture of entitlement, where gamers feel that we as a company somehow owe it to them to not unleash thousands of angry insects through their computer. Yes, perhaps we’ll accidentally unleash the swarm upon some perfectly legitimate gamers who just want to play Mass Effect 3, but really this is something that is necessary in order to combat piracy”.
However, following a leaked update, hackers were able to get around the “bees” clause in Origin’s new terms of usage by simply not installing the software. “We’re aware that they’re doing this” said Riccitiello, “So we’ve decided that the best course of action has to be roving death squads.”