Square Enix Accidentally Publish Brilliant Games

Much to everybody’s surprise the recent run of Square Enix games have been some of the finest the company have ever produced; from Deus Ex to Batman, Square Enix has managed to make its Metacritic average soar above the rating expected of the publisher, to the extent that its developers could even get a job at Irrational Games if they wanted!

So very, very sorry

“We’re just as surprised as you,” said Mike Fischer in blog post we made him write. “If we’re honest we didn’t actually mean to do it, we bought Eidos on whim thinking it’d be cool to own the rights to Lara Croft’s chest. What happened as a result was completely unpredictable.” Eidos almost exclusively make up the talented end of Square Enix, and with critical acclaim for all of their recent titles it’s hard not to be impressed.

“Don’t worry, we’re working on getting the status quo back” assured Mr Fischer to all the shareholders who hadn’t anticipated success on any level in the past 3 years. “We’re hard at work on running the Final Fantasy series into the ground with sequels to sequels and Kingdom Hearts 3will never be put into production. Also we’ve hired at least 10 more menu designers to make our games utterly impenetrable for those people who haven’t been playing JRPGs since the early 90s.”

When asked what they were going to do about the talented divisions at Eidos, Mr Fischer threw us a wry smile via a flickr. “Well we can’t stop them being talented, but we can make their games have horrendous publicity. The sexy nuns in Hitman? The Japanese division. Lara Croft rape scenes? The guys behind FFXIV. Don’t worry; if Eidos are trying to make us a success through quality we’ll simply use our talented group of trolls to destroy them internally.”

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.