Nintendo to Allow Voice Chat During Non-Curfew Hours

Nintendo has decided to show off its latest online plans, including its new policy on voice chat. The documents make it clear that players can talk to each other during certain assigned hours, between 7pm and 7:30 pm EST in the USA. The rules are to be enforced by Nintendo’s own special security branch known and the Star-See. This exclusive group of overseers will take it upon themselves to govern user’s actions and guarantee safety for Nintendo’s younger customers.

“Rules must be obeyed at all times,” explained Hubert Olimmer, the Head of the Star-See division at Nintendo. “Order must be maintained, standards appreciated, targets acquired. If users refuse to obey the terms and conditions of their console their online shall be terminated, permanently. We shall then trace the address of the IP, find their consoles and remove them from their property; by any means necessary.”

The new enforcement policy is said to break several human rights laws, but with each individual WiiU now being able to claim diplomatic immunity under the guise of being a ambassador for Nintendoland there is very little the UN can do about it.

“We’ve attempted reasoning with Nintendoland and to get it to join the assembly, but it simply refuses to co-operate,” explained Ban Ki-Moon. “It seems obsessed with connecting another controller before others can join in. We have absolutely no clue what this means and are currently sending our strongest negotiators to figure out what is going on. Libya can wait.”

About Lewis Dunn

Lewis got into gaming as a child, when he was handed the portable version of crack cocaine, known colloquially as Tetris. He would spend hours trying to make blocks form lines so they would disappear never to return. At the age of 8 he had his first existential crisis as to what happens to blocks that disappear. Lewis has a deep love of humour in games, with some of his favourites being No More Heroes, Brutal Legend & Portal. Lewis enjoys writing bios in the third person.