MANCHESTER, ENGLAND- The noted “greatest manager ever” and worldwide backbone of the chewing gum industry, Sir Alex Ferguson, has today been revealed to be a freakish hybrid of man and machine which has been using the football management simulation game Football Manager 2011 to gain an advantage over his human adversaries. The Manchester United manager was attending a post-match press conference after his side’s win against QPR, when one observational reporter realised he had been giving the same answers to questions over and over again for the past 3 years, exactly as players are forced to in the noted football simulator.
“At first we just thought we were asking the same questions over and over again, seeing as there’s only so much to talk about with football” said one reporter who was at the scene, “but then we realised that his eyes were really red, like some sort of red glow, just like your fella out of The Terminator or something.” After further investigation from another journalist, who also happened to be an expert in robotics, it was determined that the former treble winning manager and red wine enthusiast was actually a travesty unto nature sent from the future to dominate the game of football using a terrifying unification of human flesh, advanced technology never previously seen by man and a menu-based game with the poorest graphics this side of a Walking Dead FPS.
We asked the man who made the shocking discovery, Professor John Hayes of the University of Manchester’s “Guessing What Futuristic Technology Might Look Like” Program, what purpose he thought the cyborg formerly known as Alex Ferguson might have been created for: “To be honest, I’m not quite sure, but I asked all the same questions that Harrison Ford did in Blade Runner, and he just kept saying that “he gets on really well with Harry Redknapp, and he thinks Harry’s the man to get QPR out of trouble”. Obviously if he thinks QPR can still get out of trouble, he’s living in a fantasy world- one exactly like that found in Football Manager.”
Although this will be seen as a tremendous surprise by many, suspicions about the humanity of many in football has long been in question, with the bland, vacuous personalities of many, such as Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo and many others who were previously signed by Sir Alex Ferguson, previously being dismissed as “dickheadedness”. “We’re pretty sure,” said one football journalist, “that the entire Barcelona team have implants in their brains that are hooked up to a man playing FIFA on an XBOX 360 hidden somewhere in the Nou Camp.”
When asked about the accusations put forward by the people present at his father’s press conference that day, and the implications it would have for his own genesis and indeed humanity, the Peterborough manager Darren Ferguson replied “What the f**k are you people talking about? Of course he’s going to repeat himself, he’s 71 years old! You try yelling at Nani for 90 minutes to work harder and see if your eyes don’t get bloodshot enough to turn red.”
“Besides,” Ferguson Jr. added to murmurs of agreement from the assembled press, “if he was running any version of Football Manager it’d be 2005- that’s the best one.”
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